In the depths of lockdown three, I’ll admit that I am frustrated.
I want to touch, I want to tease, I want to hurt. I want to see that look of fear when I’m pushing you hard; feel your relief when I finally lift up from sitting on your face; laugh at the ridiculous lengths you’ll go to in order to please me.
Realtime was at most about 15% of what I got up to prior to covid, but to go without for a whole year has been really challenging. One of the reasons I’ve always preferred to live by myself is to avoid the discussions of drooling men coming and going for whatever reason they’ve been summoned with any flatmate. Sans a regular rotation of cocks that dance to my tune in person, I’m actually realising there are some downsides to solo living.
I never wanted to be online only. I absolutely DO still adore online play and getting to toy with men around the world, but when the craving for in-person hits, there’s nothing quite like getting my hands on a nervous toy. Without being able to do this with regular boys and being unable to meet the new meat that I also want to play with in person… I mean, it’s fucking horrific. I had plans for travel to play for 2020 too, so add a bit more ache to the pot. It’s tease and denial for myself – and I don’t switch like that.
I find myself waking up from dreams of worship, daydreaming about brainwashing during vanilla work, searching for houses where I could really expand what kinky things I am able to do from home when the time comes. Everything just feels like a countdown to when I can next wrap a boy up in cling film or take cash by hand or hold a tranced-out face. I am a truly greedy Goddess and it’s draining to not be able to get what I want.
And I do know it’s coming, and that it’ll be here in no time, but it’s hard to dedicate time to what I should be doing for my virtual reality when I have no balance whatsoever. I see people flourishing and loving the money there’s been in the past year, but God how are people dealing with their desire denial?
I just want to spit on a face.